Beep… Beep… Beep Beep… I throw my sheets to my left, climbing out of bed. Stumbling to my alarm clock, I bend over and press snooze.
Drawing every last second of sleep I can get, I snuggle in the leftover warmth yet wrestle in my mind.
Why should I get out of bed?
It’s so warm and soft.
You should get more work done on the book.
Relax, you don’t have anywhere to be.
You should go to the gym later.
But that’s hard.
Want to call a friend later?
I just want to sleep.
Beep Beep Beep… Beep Beep Beep. Climbing out of bed, I slide the clock to the off position, and retreat back to comfort.
My eyes slowly crack as the high sun creeps through blinds. I take a moment to find my bearings. Scanning to my right I see 9:52am.
“So, today is happening.” It will be a day of yesterday and the day before. I will do the same work. I will listen to the same intermittent burst of the heating system. And, I will be with the same people: me, myself, and I, because is there anyone else to see?
I don’t have anywhere to be. No one is telling me what to do. I am accountable to no one. I must motivate myself.
For the better part of January, my life could often be described as isolated and monotonous. Without variety in my routine and a close community, I would go through the philosophical struggle of questioning why I’m doing what I’m doing on a daily basis. No one was telling me what to do. I didn’t have to be anywhere. I was completely free. Free to do whatever I want, and also as I learned, free to do whatever I want. This was bad. The absolute freedom I had allowed me to optimize my life for myself and forget about anything else. The isolation and monotony that characterized January easily led to loneliness and boredom on a bad day, which in turn slipped into depression. I don’t mean to scare anyone, but that is simply how it was.
Still, I have always enjoyed being alone. But as Edward Abbey says in Desert Solitaire, “There are times when solitaire becomes solitary, an entirely different game, a prison term, and the inside of the skull as confining and unbearable as the interior of the house-trailer on a hot day.” Sometimes I want to be alone, sometimes I want to be with other people, and sometimes I am alone yet want to be with others. An overdue, unfulfilled desire for community is challenging to bear.
Despite the hardship of this time, I would not change a thing. This is how I’ve wanted my life to be ever since I can remember: free. I am doing work that I love that will eventually help other people. I am challenged intellectually on a daily basis. I can’t say this about school. I am growing, even if that means suffering a little.
And to update today, I am working a job that I enjoy and challenges me; I continue to grow personally through all of the projects I am working on and love; and I am integrated in a community that I cannot say enough good things about. Also I’m a shred bum at a ski resort! I needed to find something to fill my time other than myself and a strong, present community. I’ve found it.